This blog is such a personal thing to me, and of course it is public as well. I always feel like I have to watch what I say...don't want to offend anyone, etc. Even though it's my blog and really, if you don't like what you read, who said you have to read anyway?! So there won't be many religious topics, political discussions, etc. I am just not very confrontational and everyone is free to have their own beliefs.
But something that is heavy on my heart a LOT, is the topic of friendship. It just may be even more controversial than politics or religion. The thing is, I don't even know if I will publish this post. If I do, I don't even know if the right people would read it, know it was about them, or care. Sometimes you just feel like writing.
At the young age of 27, I already realize that what my dad used to tell me is true "Most of your high school friends will not be your friends after college". Had you asked me five years ago if this was true, I would've sworn on everything, "OF COURSE that isn't going to happen to me!" I had a solid group of friends. We did a lot together. Swore we'd be best friends forever. What changes the course of our lives so drastically that forever has come and gone!?
An annoying trait of mine has always been to get upset when I should get mad. Everyone will be telling me how I should feel, and all I am feeling are memories of all the good times. Never looking at the bad. I am never the one to pull the trigger. Never ended a friendship. I can never pull the plug. You can do me dirty and I can know what you're doing isn't right, but I am still going to be there for the long haul. I don't know what would be so bad that I could make that decision to cut someone out of my life forever; ignore texts, phone calls, delete as a friend on Facebook (a heinous crime, I know). Do I wish sometimes that I had more of that backbone? Sure. I wish I called the shots and deleted people when they rubbed me the wrong way, but the bottom line is, that is not me.
I have not done everything right in my life. I'm sure there are some things I could apologize for. I am sure I could have been a better friend, maybe kept my mouth shut in the right situation instead of voicing my opinion for once, but no regrets, right? I can only move forward.
I can just tell "you" (audience of probably 10), that since having the sweetest miracle in this whole world, I see life differently. I read horror stories EVERYDAY of divorce and death. YOUNG people dying. People not much older than me. People that I grew up, their siblings. Life is not fair, and it is definitely too short in most cases. However, I can still tell you, through all of this, I have lost some pretty special people. Not by death. Who even knows the reason? Do we outgrow each other? Everyone gets married, and you just decide one day to not speak to someone? You have a baby, and want to leave your "best friends" out of it!? How does one even reach such a decision? It breaks my heart to know that someone I considered a best friend is 20 miles away with a baby about the same age as mine, and they will never know each other. I think that bothers me most of all. The next generation of "us" is evolving, and yet "we" are still just immature enough to not put things behind us and still be those people we were and always thought we'd be.
So, if you are reading this, and you have ever felt angry at me, or felt that I have done something to lose your friendship, even for a moment, I am sorry. I am sure if anyone reads this blog who is not a friend, there will be lots of "I can't believe she wrote this...she knows what she did". The truth is, I don't know what I did. Maybe something for a good argument? But I doubt it was enough to turn BFF into Don't Know Each Other.
I am so thankful for the 3 very best friends who have remained. The ones who know lots of dark secrets, have listened to me hash out many a problem, listened to me cry when I don't understand things, been there for me on the two most important ventures of my life, and probably yelling at the computer that I put my heart out like this, for everyone to see. If you don't mind, I think I'd like to keep y'all for a while longer ;)
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I am right there with you Sara. I never thought the friends in high school would not be my friends almost 10 later. It is true though. It has happened to me as well, so you are not the only one. The only conclusion I can come up with is people change, follow different paths, or have different priorities. Hang on to the few friends you have now because they will continue to be by your side. After all, a few best friends are better than a lot of good friends.
ReplyDeleteThis is fantastic Sara. I hope that you are feeling somewhat better by typing it out and publishing. Friendships have been one of my greatest struggles since getting married and having kids. It really bothered me for awhile, but I read so many blogs of women who felt the same. After what I've been through in the last few months, I really learned that time is too precious to give it when it's not being returned.
ReplyDeleteOh Ni! I'm just now seeing this!!! Well, we have discussed this before and I definitely agree with you! It's sad to feel like you have lost someone and don't even exactly have a good reason why and they don't even seem to care :( I wish I knew why some people did the things they did, but some things we won't ever be able to figure out. As much as people will tell you to not waste your time on it, it's hard when you don't even know the reason behind it and I personally have never figured out how anyone can throw away a friendship especially when you have been friends FOREVER! I think the worst part is thinking about HOW they can do it and not seem to even think twice about it!!!
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