Now that William is speeding toward being a year old, I am asked a lot, "When are you having another one?" or "You need to try for that girl!!" I don't mind it at all, it just sometimes gets me thinking. Like, what if I am just satisfied with one?! Am I bad? Am I not living this American dream of two kids?! William is the most perfect thing I have ever imagined. I cannot imagine loving him more, and I almost cannot imagine loving anyone else like I love him. I know everyone says your heart multiplies, and I am sure it does, I just must not be there yet. Of course Robbie and I have always discussed having two children (God willing), but now that I feel like it is closer than ever before, I get a little nervous.
How will we pay for their cars? How will we pay for their college?! Their weddings?! (And Lord knows if we DO have that girl, and she has a wedding...whew!!) I know these are only things and not things that you should even consider when having a baby, maybe. But to me, they are important. I know directly the pro and con to having to pay for these things on your own. We pay Robbie's student loans every month; it is a burden of course. One more bill. I was blessed to have grandparents/parents who made sure that student debt wasn't in my life. I would love to make sure William (and any others) are the same as me.
And what if I am happy being a boy mama?! I have never, not one time, thought to myself, "I wish I had had a girl". I am sure people have thought I was bummed to not have a girl, due to my love of bows and dresses and monograms. However, William can wear a monogram or a smocked outfit better than some girls! ;) Of course, we would be thrilled with a girl. A boy and a girl?! Perfect!! But 2 boys are perfect too! And 2 girls!
And what if we are so caught up in having another baby, that William gets ignored?!?! What if the road to having another baby is a hard one like so many people face? I would never want to put him on the back burner.
And what if I am so caught up in a newborn, that I am not helping William with his schoolwork?! Or vice versa - so caught up in William since he is older, that I am not paying enough attention to the baby?! What if you have a slight twinge of love more for him since he is the oldest?! He was first, he made me a parent. I am sure that when we are ready, my thoughts on this will completely change. Am I the only one who ever has these thoughts?! My close friends who know these thoughts simply say, "You are just not ready yet. When it is time, you will know." I hope they are right!!
On the other hand, I want William to have a sibling! I know how special that relationship is; always having someone to lean on and be there for you, and a definite friend for life!!! I have only-children friends who say they have were lonely growing up and many wish they had a sibling.
To my {probably} future children, please don't take this as me not wanting you, or loving you as much as your brother. This is how I am feeling at this moment...just wanted to share and see if anyone felt the same!
So, all of this to say, for now, we are happy with our family of 3. :)
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Oh Sara....I teared up reading this! I identify with so much of what you have said! I think that wanting to give your kids a good life is part of being a responsible parent! It's true that life isn't all about material things, but let's get real! Life is expensive, and babies are expensive! Wanting to give them the best you can is only natural! I also completely identify with your "what if's"! I find it SO hard to imagine loving anyone as much as I love Jackson! I have often wondered, "what if I didn't love the second one as much?" My mom says that every baby brings their own love, so you don't have to worry about finding extra love to give them. That being said, I have plenty of friends who are in the "one and done" club! Only you know what is right for your family! If it feels finished, then that is perfect! :) Siblings or not, William is one lucky boy! xo
ReplyDeleteI am going through similar thoughts now as I think about number 3. I've always wanted 3...girl, boy, girl...so I'm 2/3 there! But, with everything that went on, I don't know if I should, and sometimes I wonder if I can do 3. I hate that because I love kids and feel like I should be able to have 10. Kids need love, but that saying that it's all they need is crap. They're expensive. I think we're alike that we want to be able to provide a comfortable life for our children...not spoiled but able to do what they need and a little extra. And as for having a second, I was so sad over the time I was missing out with Avery at first. I know bed rest made that much worse, but it's still hard sometimes to feel like I'm missing things with her. I've wanted to blog about it all for awhile but can't get over that there are eyes reading being nosy instead of supportive. You'll have another if and when you get ready and it will be fine, or you won't and it will be fine too. I'm an only and turned out wonderfully! Haha!
ReplyDeleteYou sound just like me before I had Henry! I say this with lots of kindness - all of these things just work themselves out after the baby arrives. Of course, there are days that feel a little off balance but there are way more days that feel just perfect! LOVE the story of William and his biscuit. We love Bojangles and miss not having one near us now that we are in TN.
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